crying, falling apart, failing at everything

so last night i finally read that pamphlet i got at AA. the 'letter to a woman alcoholic' one. great piece. but it really hit home. i crave perfection. i need it to be happy with myself. and perfection is impossible. deep down, i know that, but i still expect myself to be perfect. and then i'm not and i can't handle it. so i drink.

got an email from my VAPA teacher today, telling me i've missed too many classes to recover and that i should drop her class. i know she's probably right, but it's just not what i need. all i've been doing for the last hour or so is crying and wanting to drink. and of course i hate myself for wanting to drink, but i can't handle this, and i'd rather drink than realize how much i hate myself.

i should call my mom. tell her i can't handle this. but i feel like such a failure already. i mean, i've already left cal poly once because i couldn't handle it, but choosing between sobriety and dealing with school is so hard. i know, long term, that sobriety is the answer, but, i'd rather just drink the pain away and make school work. i see all of my friends being successful, and you know, i realize that they could be just like i was six months ago--falling apart but not letting anybody close enough to realize--but i just want to be like them. able to do well in school, be carefree and fun on weekends, drink like a normal college student (which isn't to say healthily, but god i just want to be normal).

lauren and i went to target yesterday. well, actually, i was unhappy, and just needed to get the hell out of slo, so we went to KFC, and then decided to go to target because we were already there. on the way back, i realized that i need to find a church that i can call home. clc was never that for me, but it's not that i don't want a spiritual relationship--just not the one christ lutheran was able to offer. i don't know if it's the catholic church, or the baptist church, or a different lutheran church, but i need something bigger in my life. i need to know that i've been handed a lot to deal with, but only because i can handle it. i need to know that. because right now, i don't think i can handle it. i really can't.

all i do is sleep. or cry. or want to drink. and i know that's life with severe clinical depression and alcoholism. i understand that. but it's not the life i want to live. i want to be happy. i want to be successful. but i know that with my definition of success, my expectations that i have for myself, that happiness and success are not possible. i need to rethink what being successful means. i need to rethink my definition of happiness. because i know that nobody is happy all of the time.

if i leave cal poly again, i don't know if i'll make it back. i really don't. maybe it's time to give up, move back to valencia, and hopefully be able to transfer to csun. maybe college just isn't right for me. or at least right now. maybe i do need impact. i hate to say it, but i think i'm going to slip soon. i've made it 16 days. i don't know if i can make it to 17.

i just wish i could go 12 hours without hating myself, without crying hysterically, without craving alcohol. hell, i'd be fine with six hours of that. because even when i sleep, it isn't restful. i dream about me dying at parties. i dream about hating myself and failing at everything and having everybody around me hate me too. i need to love myself and i can't do that at poly.