crying, falling apart, failing at everything

so last night i finally read that pamphlet i got at AA. the 'letter to a woman alcoholic' one. great piece. but it really hit home. i crave perfection. i need it to be happy with myself. and perfection is impossible. deep down, i know that, but i still expect myself to be perfect. and then i'm not and i can't handle it. so i drink.

got an email from my VAPA teacher today, telling me i've missed too many classes to recover and that i should drop her class. i know she's probably right, but it's just not what i need. all i've been doing for the last hour or so is crying and wanting to drink. and of course i hate myself for wanting to drink, but i can't handle this, and i'd rather drink than realize how much i hate myself.

i should call my mom. tell her i can't handle this. but i feel like such a failure already. i mean, i've already left cal poly once because i couldn't handle it, but choosing between sobriety and dealing with school is so hard. i know, long term, that sobriety is the answer, but, i'd rather just drink the pain away and make school work. i see all of my friends being successful, and you know, i realize that they could be just like i was six months ago--falling apart but not letting anybody close enough to realize--but i just want to be like them. able to do well in school, be carefree and fun on weekends, drink like a normal college student (which isn't to say healthily, but god i just want to be normal).

lauren and i went to target yesterday. well, actually, i was unhappy, and just needed to get the hell out of slo, so we went to KFC, and then decided to go to target because we were already there. on the way back, i realized that i need to find a church that i can call home. clc was never that for me, but it's not that i don't want a spiritual relationship--just not the one christ lutheran was able to offer. i don't know if it's the catholic church, or the baptist church, or a different lutheran church, but i need something bigger in my life. i need to know that i've been handed a lot to deal with, but only because i can handle it. i need to know that. because right now, i don't think i can handle it. i really can't.

all i do is sleep. or cry. or want to drink. and i know that's life with severe clinical depression and alcoholism. i understand that. but it's not the life i want to live. i want to be happy. i want to be successful. but i know that with my definition of success, my expectations that i have for myself, that happiness and success are not possible. i need to rethink what being successful means. i need to rethink my definition of happiness. because i know that nobody is happy all of the time.

if i leave cal poly again, i don't know if i'll make it back. i really don't. maybe it's time to give up, move back to valencia, and hopefully be able to transfer to csun. maybe college just isn't right for me. or at least right now. maybe i do need impact. i hate to say it, but i think i'm going to slip soon. i've made it 16 days. i don't know if i can make it to 17.

i just wish i could go 12 hours without hating myself, without crying hysterically, without craving alcohol. hell, i'd be fine with six hours of that. because even when i sleep, it isn't restful. i dream about me dying at parties. i dream about hating myself and failing at everything and having everybody around me hate me too. i need to love myself and i can't do that at poly.

support

my sisters are so amazing. i honestly thought tonight would be the night where i got myself kicked out of theta. i know, kinda ridiculous, but i've come to expect the worst. i am so so so lucky to have such strong, amazing women in my life who are there behind me.

i'm still crying, an hour later, (for the FOURTH hour today), and i'm still scared and upset and mad and angry with myself, but i'm also finally happy, because i realize these girls, even if i don't have close bonds with them on a personal level, are there for me. i don't know how i'd get through this without them.

my life could be a tv show...

seriously, so much shit is going on...if i wasn't living it, i'd find it entertaining. i forgot how much it sucks to be the subject of conversation, the gossip, the new social 'news'. wow. this is ridiculous.

and oh wait, they already have a show that mirrors my life. i used to find it pathetically hilarious. it's called 'intervention'.


seriously. fuck my life.

new beginnings

So it's February 11, 2009. Also known as the 19th anniversary of the end of my life as a single child. My sister is nineteen today, and I know that she is starting yet another chapter of her life today. I have so much hope for her--she's so completely successful; I don't know if she tries harder than I do, or if it's that she is smarter than me, or what it is, but I really am happy for her. Jealous? Of course I am. I wish I was more successful. I wish I had better grades or an easier time with things. However, I would never wish she could experience the things I am.

I started AA today. So I guess, in a sense, today is the start of a new chapter in my life today. Usually I mark these chapters by birthdays, or school years, or months, or quarters. However, this needs to be different. I need a new start. I need a sober chapter. One which doesn't involve alcohol, doesn't involve partying, doesn't involve blacking out or throwing up.

I need a healthy chapter.

For the past few days, all I have been able to do is cry. I haven't gone to class, but I am forcing myself to go to English tonight. Partially because we have a large assignment due, partially because I know I'm depressed about where I am in life right now and I need to stop wallowing in self-pity.

Monday, met with Terri...probably the first therapy session I've gotten teary-eyed in in a while. I hate crying, and I know that the point of me going to therapy is learning to better deal with my emotions, and that crying is alright to do in my meetings, but i still hate it. I realize I have a problem, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend this didn't happen. Every morning I wake up, think it might have been all a dream, but the bruises are there--the hospital bracelet is still on my desk. I suppose I'm keeping it as a constant reminder that hopefully will serve to keep me from hitting a lower rock bottom.

Anyway, wrote a letter to my sorority membership development committee, as I know that I will be called in for judicial action. Thank god it's just for the house and not with local law enforcement. However, it's important for me to realize that the letter is more of an open letter to all members of the house, but I don't think I'm ready to come out and say everything to them that I put in that letter.

So, I suppose, here is the letter:

9 February 2009

To my beautiful sisters,
I shouldn’t need to be writing this letter right now, but I am. I hope that this letter remains true and honest, but I’m already having trouble finding words to express myself. Just know that I am scared more than I’ve ever been before, and that I feel truly blessed to still be here.

I suppose I should start with an account of the events leading up to Saturday night, because they are all interconnected. Please don’t take this as an excuse, because that isn’t what this is at all. My little sister (biological) came to visit, and we had plans to visit the baby elephant seals up in San Simeon. We left around 11:30 and were driving on Highway 1 just north of Morro Bay when my car broke down in the middle of the right hand lane. I obviously freaked out, but put my hazard lights on and called AAA. Thankfully, some nice men stopped and helped push my car out of the road, and AAA was able to come 45 minutes later and tow my car to the only open auto place my dad could find, which was off Madonna.

Needless to say, I was stressed, anxious, and I was definitely craving tequila because I needed something to take the edge off. Unfortunately (or fortunately, because I’m still not completely sure how I feel about this), my sister refused to allow me to order a margarita at lunch because it was only 2:30 and “I was being ridiculous.” Lauren ended up coming to hang out with us while my car was being fixed, and we ended up buying a handle of Jose Cuervo tequila at BevMo.

That night, my sister took my car to go hang out with her friend from high school, who lives in Fremont, and I broke out Mike’s Hard Lemonade while I made dinner and got ready to go out. Lauren came over, we finished getting ready, and then we started drinking tequila shots. Around 9:30, we went to another member’s house, where we continued to do tequila shots (one of which I dedicated to “forgetting a shitty day”) before leaving to attend a “My New Haircut” party. I vaguely remember the car ride over, along with shots of cheap vodka once we arrived. I can remember drinking the equivalent of 13 drinks before I blacked out.

The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with a phone pressed to my ear, my mommy telling me that she and my daddy would be there soon. It was 4:15 in the morning. I have no recollection of Lauren calling 911, being taken away in an ambulance, or Natalie and Ashley coming to the hospital. I was discharged around 4:45 to my parents’ care. After vomiting numerous times, as well as having a full bag of saline in my system, my BAC was .26, and they estimate that I reached .35. I am not proud of any of this, and am just thankful that I am alive. Had Lauren not called 911, this evening could have ended very differently. I’m so lucky that she made the right decision, and I realize that I am sick.

I am an alcoholic. That isn’t an easy statement for me to make, and I know it can’t be easy to hear. However, it’s important that I take responsibility for my actions. I chose to drink excessively. I put myself in a really dangerous situation. I hope that Theta isn’t negatively affected by my actions, because I know I acted poorly and was a bad reflection on the house as a whole.

I can’t drink. Period. Alcohol cannot be a part of my life. Drinking five to six nights a week, even if it’s “just one or two beers to help me sleep” is not normal, and I’ve been in denial for a long time. I have a problem. I need Theta in my life, but I also need sobriety, and I have trouble with that, especially when I am with my sisters. So many of our activities, especially with fraternities, are conducive to my alcohol consumption, because I feel more comfortable with myself when I’m drunk. I don’t blame Theta in the slightest for where I am today, because this is an issue about my alcoholism and not being comfortable in my own skin. I hope that I can stay in this house and maintain my own sobriety—I don’t know what I’d do with myself if I didn’t have the support of Theta right now. I can’t go to events where there will be alcohol. I can’t drink at exchanges. I don’t care that I’m twenty-one. I need to make rules for myself, and I need help enforcing them. I can’t make this journey alone.

Luckily, I have amazing parents who are supporting me right now. They expect full and complete sobriety, and that’s what I need. However, they’re 200 miles away and I need a support system here. I met with my therapist earlier today, and I will be seeing her twice a week until I stabilize, where I will switch to once a week, as that is all my insurance will pay for. I’m also starting Alcoholics Anonymous—I will be attending meetings every Wednesday on campus in the counseling center that are specifically for Cal Poly students, as well as two other meetings weekly for women in the SLO area who are recovering from alcohol addiction.

If I can’t break this on my own, I will be leaving Cal Poly. If I’m doing ok, but I slip and drink at a Theta event or with my sisters, my parents are pulling me out of the sorority. Neither of them attended college, and I can’t begin to explain what Theta is, why I still do it even though I feel like quitting almost every day, or why I would give up anything for this house. They understand how much this group of beautiful women means to me, but they also have a prejudicial view of the Greek system, as they only associate it with partying. I fully agree that will need to happen if I can’t stop drinking when I’m going out with Thetas or at exchanges.

I pray that I have the strength to do everything in my power to stay sober. I truly do. It would kill me to leave Theta and Cal Poly behind, but I need to stop. This was a wake up call—one I wish none of you ever experience. I ask you to support my decision to stay sober, and help me keep that promise to myself.

Once again, I’m so sorry that my actions have affected you all. I was selfish and stupid, and I promise that I will do my best to NEVER make that mistake again.


Much Love,
Erin

I know I messed up. Big time. So I guess I'll end this by saying, "Hi, my name is Erin, and I'm an alcoholic."